Today's my grandma's birthday. She passed away five years ago. On this special day, I commemorate her place in my life with a tribute I wrote the day she...
In loving memory
Help! I'm drowning! Send me a lifeline!
"Here honey girl," Grandma Bernie emerged from the rose garden, "take this." And from her heart emanated a long invisible thread that miraculously attached itself to my heart.
It was my lifeline. Strong and sturdy.
"I love you with all my heart and with all my soul," she said from the depth of her being. "You'll always have this lifeline. So never feel alone, and neither will I."
Like two halves of the same loving spider, we wove our life thread into a beautiful shared web: Through chicken pox and cancer; rolling Romanian meatballs and chopping salad; knitting blankets and needlepointing pillows; playing golf and taking walks; playing favorites on her piano, Beethoven (A Farewell to the Piano) and Chopin (Preludes Op.28 numbers 3 and 4); reading Shakespeare and Edgar Cayce books; expressing love of grandpa, each other and more; vacationing in Yosemite and Lake Tahoe; playing Gin Rummy and Black Jack; Sunday family dinners and sleepovers; watching 60 Minutes and All In The Family in bed, laughing in bed, talking into the wee-hours in bed, sharing milk and cookies in bed and sometimes on the floor by the sleeping bag where my brother and I took turns sleeping; talking on the phone almost every single day for my entire life… through San Francisco, San Diego, New York, Washington, DC, Spain, Israel, France, Italy and Los Angeles… our line remained strong.
In recent years, since she broke her hip, I enjoyed flying to San Francisco
for the day, and wheeling her around...
...the Jewish Home to see the birds and plants and flowers, and take in lunch at the downstairs café, and take in sun sitting outside by the little yellow and purple flowers. People lit up when grandma came by. She was loved by so many. I used to rub her hands and feet. Smooth out her hair. And no matter how frail she became, her eyes twinkled back at me. The twinkle I saw in her photos from her childhood, young adulthood, and into middle and old age never left, always remained vital. What a beauty. There was a time, I used to wish to have a child just so grandma's spirit could reincarnate through me. So she'd never leave me. That's how much of a loving joy she was to me, and I know, to others.
Grandma ate rye toast and marmalade every morning. She had a drink with nuts most afternoons with grandpa when he was alive.
"As time goes by," grandma told me, "our line will grow longer and stronger. Time, nor distance, nor people with unkind intentions, can alter our lifeline. We'll nurture it with love, shape it through time, and it will never be severed." Even in death I wondered? Though I couldn't bare the thought.
I told grandma, "This lifeline is the most wonderful gift anyone ever gave me. Thank you." She surprised me saying that I was her lifeline, too. I was her gift. The only one she had since grandpa's death. It made sense, I just hadn't thought of it that way.
While Grandma Bernie didn't birth me physically, she birthed me spiritually. Some say blood is thicker than water.
Spirit is thicker than blood.
I don't know where I'd be today without Grandma Bernie. I once told her that a few years ago, and she said, "You'd probably be a criminal. You and your brother both." Dementia was just starting to sink in at that time, and I don't know if she meant it. But she was my moral compass, teaching me right from wrong, and more. She believed in work, she built the jewelry business with grandpa, and she believed that life can be unfair, so make the best of it. She taught me the power of love and the value of being kind to others, which is our highest goal. I learned by her example.
Until today, a day didn't go by without adding a loving thought, and/or a phone call to mark our path, no matter how far apart we might be.
Our thread grew, and deepened through decades, my entire life until...
On June 15, 2003, at ninety-one years of age, Cecile "Bernie" Rosenberg departed. It was a full moon, beautiful star filled night. Roses were in full bloom. The air was fragrant and sweet, just like her.
I'd like to imagine Cecile's beautiful spirit soaring into a world nearby filled with love, especially from grandpa. She had been waiting for twenty-six years to reunite with him, her soul mate, and one true love since she was nineteen years old. She had imagined him sleeping on the floor by her bed. Now, hopefully, they will sleep together. Their spirits merging as one. The beautiful love they created that nurtured me was like thousands of love crystals being showered down at all times just by being in their presence.
How does one express gratitude, beyond gratitude? For bathing me in a love so pure. Thank you for giving me consistent love, in an unconditional way. For paying attention to me when others didn't have time. In one corner of the universe, I felt special. Thank you.
Grandma Bernie was my savior, mother, teacher, nurse, best friend, and the most loving being to ever touch me. Sparkling large brown eyes, an infectious laugh, a wit matched only by her depth of compassion and empathy. She was everything good in this world. At one time in her life she was misunderstood, and suffered others uninformed judgment. She was boldly committed to love, and didn't listen to negative people who rather find fault in another than nurture the beauty inside of themselves, and look for the good in others. For this, and so much more, she has all of my respect and love.
Grandma, you will be dearly missed. How it hurts not to be able to pick up the phone to hear your voice right now. Because I'm sad, and when I'm sad, you're the one I call. When I'm happy, you're the one I call. When it's four thirty in the afternoon, and I realize you're going to eat dinner soon, you're the one I call, before the food settles in to make you sleepy.
Your love, and our wonderful wonderful memories, will remain vibrant within me forever. I'll be looking for you in my dreams. May you continue to feel love and peace wherever you are. And, I do, wonder where you are. Where did you go?
You will always remain my love,
Always yours,
Donna
